How to be yourself in any room
I think I'm slowly figuring it out...
I've had an oddly serendipitous week. You know those times when numerous dots connect for a change and you finally feel a flow where there were once jagged rocks ebbing its course?
The icing on the cake was a completely unexpected mention in
’s recent post, which made myI have admired Farrah for years - while a magazine journalist and then an editor myself, she epitomised a truly brilliant one to me, showing you didn't have to be the brashest person in the room to hold power in the industry, and that quiet boldness was something to be proud of. I was 'highly commended' in an awards category she won in 2019 and it genuinely felt better than taking top prize anywhere, anyhow, to see my name alongside hers. Emboldened by the free fizz, I planned to introduce myself to Farrah that night but she disappeared after her win (v chic) - thank god - because I have no doubt I'd still be cringing if I'd spoken to her.
The comments on this latest piece were thought-provoking, as ever. And one in particular from
synchronised exactly with experiences I'd been having last week, and indeed at that very awards ceremony…
Apart from making me laugh, Lo’s comment hit deep. How many rooms have I walked into feeling less-than? Probably too many. It happened quite often during press trips as a journalist - ‘fish out of water’ doesn't come close to fresh-off-the-LNER Dundonian being dropped backstage at London fashion week.
I had another weird flashback the other week when I realised I'd stayed in the same LA hotel that the now infamous Diddy and Cassie hallway video took place. My lasting memory is lying poolside with a towel covering me, citing coldness as an excuse every time over-the-top American men asked why I wasn't swimming. Yes, the Scottish girl is feeling chilly, Chad. Now f-ck off. But really I felt ugly and doughy in LA, which is basically its sole objective.
Now, though, I think: my god what a waste! Of a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Of precious time. Of my definitely not ugly or doughy appearance. And, like..who cares?! How ridiculous of me.
And yet, probably more than a decade on, I'm still walking into rooms - less glamorous ones - and still struggling to be myself. This time it's nursery inductions/meeting other parents juxtaposed with male-dominated work events that leave me wondering if I'm saying the right stuff, wearing the right shoes, asking the right questions.
I think I feel most frustrated with these moments when I know I haven't shown up as my true self. Whether physically, as in I've worn clothes that aren't really me for whatever reason, or my metaphorical wall has been up and I've been closed and stiff, or generally just felt like a twat.
It's down to self-esteem for sure. Not confidence, because you can fake that. Self-esteem is a big ol' thing that takes years to uncover and bring to the surface. And while it's predominantly an inside job, requiring a lot of comfort-zone dodging and courage, I also think it's a two-way street. When others are closed or rude, only those of rock-solid self esteem can remain unaffected.
I was recently in a situation where I had to compare two environments and pick one. In the first, most people seemed pretty closed-off, even when I tried to appear friendly. Of course, no-one should be expected to hold my hand and welcome me with open arms but I’m annoyingly intuitive and if the vibe is off, I find it really hard to relax and be myself.
The second environment was different from the get-go. Before I’d even entered the building, someone warmly engaged with me, and offered reassurance in a genuine, heartfelt way. This vibe continued inside, where I found myself able to imagine myself returning again and again.
I will never relish walking into a room of strangers. I can be confident at work and when invited to speak or interact, but I’m definitely more of a small groups/one-on-one communicator. I also struggle with small talk - bare your soul or tell me your thoughts on the afterlife with 5 minutes of meeting and I will gleefully indulge.
But unfortunately, a life worth living usually involves walking into a lot of new rooms, for a lot of small talk with people who may make you feel even smaller.
So, while I’m still figuring it out, here’s how to be yourself in any room, from what I’ve learned thus far…
Wear clothes that feel like you. Whatever the event, whether black-tie or smart-casual, get dressed as yourself. You’ll know instinctively if you’re in costume because you’ll feel awkward and uncomfortable just looking in the mirror. Embrace what you have and showcase it rather than shunning/sidelining your unique features.
Dispel as much nervous energy as you can first. For some people that means a full-on workout followed by a cold shower, but it could also just be a brisk walk to the event or an en-route car karaoke session (see below for recommended material).
If you’re spiralling and dreading beforehand, ask yourself: so what? So what if no-one speaks to you or you feel awkward. Discomfort brings change and growth, but only if you show up as yourself. Faking it only takes you so far, so you may as well make mistakes and learn lessons that are actually borne from the heart of who you are.
But the best way to be yourself in any room is this: make it easy for others in the room to be themselves. Be open, seek out those who need some encouragement, tell someone you like their shoes…Only a complete arsehole would make you feel silly for doing this, so it’s a great way to sort the wheat from the chaff.
The recent M&S cyber attack left me forced to carve out a couple of hours to visit my local big one. It’s shiny and new and the changing rooms were genuinely amazing; spacious, clean and practical with lighting that didn’t make me want to head straight for the in-store bakery in consolation. While stocking up on bras (obvs), I decided to try on some jeans too, and ending up getting these:
They’re comfy, flattering and jet black: perfection. Also, really good value? I think my experience goes to show there’s life in the high street yet; but brands have to make shopping enjoyable again.
I’m not quite sure when it happened or why but I’ve found myself gravitating towards Madrid street style inspiration over my beloved Paris recently. I guess the whole chic French-girl thing is becoming overdone, which kind of cannibalises its whole point, non? I shall forever love it, don’t get me wrong, but this Insta in particular is exciting me more atm.
